navybrat6390

another poem

2004-10-07T19:11:35Z

Again, it happened again,
I gave it all away,
my soul,mybody,
my heart,my mind,
my all.
Again, it happened again,
I trusted, I loved.

oh yeah..Maddie, Sorry about everything. I love ya babe! Mwah!!

I feel like....ugh

2004-10-05T02:07:01Z

Dave and me broke up...

Yeah, as you can imagine, Ive been crying all night. I understand his reasons, but..I still feel like if I had been that much prettier,thinner,smarter, he would have stayed. He promised to me a few months ago that no matter what, he would deal. But obviously he cant. Dont misunderstand me..I love him, and Im still gonna be his friend. I love him so much. Ive given him so much of me..and again, dont misunderstand me, we are like...not like that. I will always love him, cuz Ive given so much of my heart to him. No matter what happens, Ill always be there for him..I love him...

I knew it was coming...gar. Im so stupid.

Dave-I love you.

Poems.

2004-10-02T14:17:49Z

1.~ When she looks in the mirror
She doesn't see what you see
You see,
Skin and bones,
The sunken face,
And dark circles under her eyes.
She looks in the mirror
And sees just the opposite.
She sees a girl,
With too much fat here
and there,
And her body figure just not perfect.
You tell her to eat,
And thats she's to thin.
The voices in her head
Are saying,
If she eats she will gain,
And be way too fat to be loved.
She has been told countless times over
You are special,
Unique
And loved by all
On the other hand
The strong voices shout,
You are worthless
And plain,
You don't deserve any of their love.
This child
She needs your ever-lasting , support,
And love.
Continue to tell her she is special,
Worthwhile person
Undeserving of this Terrible disease.
The road to recovery will be a bumpy one,
With many curves,
Steep hills,
And valleys.
With the love and support from all
She will again realize she is loved
And wanted.
You may feel your words
Of hopeful strength,
Are sounds she isn't listening to,
But your words will soon
Build up in her head
And conquer her evil thoughts.
She will soon blossom,
And live a life of
Love,
And laughter
Once again.~

2.When I look in the mirror ...
all I want to see is someone pretty looking back at me.
losing weight seems to be the only key,
then when I look in the mirror I'll see someone pretty looking at me.

Losing friends,
driving them to their ends,
when I cry I just need a friend,
a friend who can hug me and give me a lending hand.

This is not worth it:
to be in a dark tunnel and to just sit.
eating is not the end of the world,
at least that is what I was told.

Sitting all alone, in my room being so cold,
seems to be the only thing that would have sold.
I want to be happy ... that's all ... is it that hard? ..
do I have to wait for happiness to be sold??

3.I'm fine,
Mum I'm fine,
Honestly I'm fine,
I say this all the time,
But do I know what it means?
I mean,
I cut,
I bleed,
I cry,
I suffer,
I struggle to breathe,
I starve,
I make myself vomit,
I don't sleep,
I get dizzy,
I isolate myself,
I keep my feelings inside,
But don't worry,
I'm fine!!

4.Layed here crying on the floor,
And you think it's just a crush,
You think it was all a matter,
Of whenever he was near I'd blush.

Layed here bleeding on the floor,
Body numb, mouth dry,
I love you with every drop of my blood,
Just give me another try.

Layed here broken hearted on the floor,
Real love is suicide,
I surrendered my heart and he tore it up,
That happened the day I died.

Layed here dying on the floor,
Drowning in my tears,
You thought that it was just a crush,
Then why am I dead at 14 years?

5.There's a girl in the mirror who always cries,
Longing for the day she finally dies,
Each day she puts on her plastic smile,
And makes her life look worthwhile,
But when she's alone disaster strikes,
Her mask becomes her number one dislike,
She has to battle her problems on her own,
As she appears to be fine until she's home,
She hides her secrets in her mirror,
So the only person who sees them is her,
She sits infront of it all day long,
And if you think she's vein, you couldn't be more wrong,
She stares into it and gets lost inside,
The perfect place for her to hide,
She breathes in and out, poking her hips,
She piles on clothes and then she strips,
She cries and screams and beats herself,
Starves, takes pills, damages her health,
Stuck inside the mirror trying to get out,
Banging on the glass, trying her best to shout,
When she finally escapes, what does she see?
This girl who's been crying, the girl is me!

6.I cry for help yet noone hears,
I don't see how you miss these tears,
I want you to help but I don't see how,
I will tell you what I see but we'll only row,
If you're listening I will tell you what I see,
When I look in the mirror and cry because I'm me,
My ugly face hidden by my fat cheeks,
Get even fatter every couple of weeks,
Sunken eyes and a massive nose,
Day by day it grows and grows,
Hair so thin I'm going bald,
Lips gone blue from where I'm cold,
Massive legs that look like tree trunks,
A huge beer belly like all the drunks,
Arms the size of most peoples thighs,
Hips so wide clothes don't exist in my size,
Bum bigger then the universe,
The way I look can't get any worse,
Now that I've told you what I see,
There's no need to lie, just knod and agree!

7.
Pushed to the floor,
Treated like a whore,
Hands slide up my thighs,
Noone to hear my crys,
Ripping off my clothes bit by bit,
Making me feel like utter shit,
Hands now grab my hips,
Stopping me scream by biting my lips,
Entering my body against my will,
Terrorising my thoughts, making me ill,
Forcing me to receive this pain,
Violating my body as well as my brain,
Hands now inside my bra,
Spirits given up, its gone too far,
Hands slip between my legs,
"Carry on" he begs and begs,
I obey his wishes or else I'll be killed,
I want to scream but my lips are sealed,
Finally he's up and gone,
And I'm able to put my clothes back on!

Guyyysssss. I really need help here. I dont wanna be here. But Ive made a few promises. Im not sure if those are worth keeping though. Is wear no one loves me.

yeees! i mean nooo! i mean, grrrrr

2004-08-16T01:34:16Z

i couldnt help myself.

everybody look up this day & age. it is kenny's band. yay! me and tina are the number 1 fans! hahahahahahahaaaaaaaa

shoooo whats up everyone?

I LOVE DAVE!!!!

and i need to meet tyler. and i need to see kenny in concert on the 19th in buffalo. anyone got a car and money so i can go?

gggggrrrrrrrrrrrrr i am soooooo freakin amazing, arent i?
haha...sorry, i TRIED not lieing for a whle day, i didnt do it, obviously. who else is taking tinas challenge about whining? i am.

phil is no longer phil, he is bologna. dont ask what he calls me....

darren is a dork, and i cant wait to see dave.

and kenny is cool, elle is a lucky girl. sorry...i just HAD to say it.
shes gonna be all famous cuz shes his gf, but hey, i can wait till dave gets famous.
which wont be long....

umm..i swear i had alot to say when i got this idea to update. so umm..bye! love you all!!!

~im not me without you!~

jesus, lover of my soul, jesus, i will never let you go!

Dave-------I LOVE YOU!!!!!!

::tears::

2004-08-07T18:12:59Z

Welll guys, I am retiring from lj. My mom for some reason doesnt like it..and i think its better to lisyen than disobey. Grr...not FaIr!!!
love you all soooooo mcuh! and expect alot more phone calls and emails! lol

and I still love Dave to death

i was thinking...

2004-08-06T00:46:53Z

people should comment on my stuff....i comment on thiers and no one returns the favor. yeah, good bunch of friends i have..lol

Love you guys!

woooowwww

2004-08-06T00:45:27Z

I am so in love with Dave!!! But anyways..i practiced with dave today for the breakfast.fun.
Well thats about it.
yeah
mhmm
mmkay
byebye

the day i fell COMPLETELY in love

2004-08-05T15:16:34Z

Yeah, so yesterday I was at kingdom bound, and it was soooo much fun! i also went on every rollercoaster except superman,cuz i just hate that one.Dave managed to get me on alot of rides, I dunno how he did it. I think it was the eyes...uuuggghhh hes so mean.And I kinda got to see RK!!! Grr..I hate being short.But Dave got me pretty close..and I could see brian,matt,and sometimes the other matt. THANK YOU DAVE!!!
My legs hurt sooo bad. I dunno, they hurt while i was there yesterday, but i didnt have a reason why, but now they hurt sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad. oooowwww I can barely walk. ouch.
But all in all, I had a great time, and I feel so much closer to Dave. I love him so much...wow...I cant even put in into words, I just love him.
Hes so amazing and hes the best guy i have EVER met.
Im gonna go try and walk downstairs for somthin to eat. shutup....

Love you Dave..and everyone else..
byebye
ttyl

oh, and christine, sorry i havent written you...im just so tired lately, and we dont have any stamps anyways. i still luv ya baby!

yaaaaay!

2004-08-03T14:50:49Z

Tomorrow is kingdom bound and im very exited. But today I get to go shopping for shorts since i dont have any that are either halfway up my butt or too big. mhmm...you all might wanna bring sunglasses because my legs are nearly neon white lol.Today is veronicas birthday-and she has an ear infection,poor thing. oh well..i always have a really bad cold on my birthday!i have vowed to not use any text messages for a whole month...and i have already broken that since i txt'd dave already. bad me,bad me.
soo...yeah, today i am just basically shopping, food and clothes. and i dont think im goin to v's doctor apt.

~
Somewhere there is hope,
beyond what I can see
someday I will be able,
to be healed
the scars on my soul
and heart
and mind
will never go away here
never

but somewhere there is peace
love
true love
that doesnt lie.~

that is only part of a new poem..but i have to write the rest of it.

man!!! i miss everyone so much!!!

dern!

2004-08-03T04:29:33Z

i cant wait for KB!!! I get to see Dave then. Yes, Dave called me finally and I was a very happy camper...and still kinda am.
wow...i love him!
night everyone!
later!

Psalm 25:9
He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.

yes,cute verse.

oh yeah....i babysat today and i had a headache, and i still have one. ow.

Do you guys all know how easy we have it? There are people who live in Iraq...who have those big machine vehicle things rolling down thier streets with the huge guns pointin towards thier houses, and it is the norm. the norm for them is terrifying.
we are so stupid...

dern!

2004-08-03T04:26:44Z

dern!

2004-08-03T04:22:18Z

yeeeeah

2004-08-03T02:50:43Z

I so want to be at KB with Dave..but thank God for txting! yay!!! Oh yeah, my rents might be getting me a cell phone. how fun.
My poor kitty,crickette, burned her paw, and it is like, melted. i feel so bad for her. here is one of my fave songs....

~When You Say You Love Me~

Like the sound of silence calling,
I hear your voice and suddenly
I'm falling, lost in a dream.
Like the echoes of our souls are meeting,
You say those words and my heart stops beating.
I wonder what it means.
What could it be that comes over me?
At times I can't move.
At times I can hardly breath.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
For a moment, there's no one else alive

You're the one I've always thought of.
I don't know how, but I feel sheltered in your love.
You're where I belong.
And when you're with me if I close my eyes,
There are times I swear I feel like I can fly
For a moment in time.
Somewhere between the Heavens and Earth ,
And frozen in time, Oh when you say those words.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
For a moment, there's no one else alive

[bridge:]
And this journey that we're on.
How far we've come and I celebrate every moment.
And when you say you love me,
That's all you have to say.
I'll always feel this way.

When you say you love me
The world goes still, so still inside and
When you say you love me
In that moment,I know why I'm alive

When you say you love me.
When you say you love me.
Do you know how I love you?

That is one of the best songs of all time!!! Everybody get the cd!! Closer, by Josh Groban!!! the song also happens to capture how i feel...

But im tired, so im gonna finish cleaning my room, then go to bed till my boy calls...
night everyone...
love you all!!

new found hope

2004-08-02T23:13:46Z

Everythin around me tumbles,
i cant stop it
it is discouraging
i cant go on
i need you
more than
anything
where are you?
you said you would be here
to rescue me
but your not here
do you love me?
have i dont wrong?
was it all my fault?

you said i was your top priority
but you failed me
why did you have to fail me?
everyone has failed me
but i trusted you
and you hurt me

you said you would be my hero
but then
i thought awhile
and i learned
that your the reason
i am what i am
all the bad in me
is because of you
your the pne
who ruined me

do i have hope?
i have to go..
somewhere
but where?
ill find it,
and in the meanwhile
i hope that you drown in your sorrows
i hope you learn what a
hero is
cause your not what you said you are
you never were what you said you were

you will never be anyone

your a pig

ooowww

2004-08-02T01:33:37Z

I burned my tongue. OOOOWWWW

I AM SO BORED!!

2004-08-01T23:53:37Z

Yeh, Im bored. Hmmmm anything worth telling about my day?

Well, I went to church..that was fun. And Daves new hair cut looks reeeeaaally hott.Then I saw Christine for the last time for over a week. *tears*
And appearently Maddie is in Texas.Then Dave had to go to KB..yes, without me. grr
AAAND...John H. took MY seat. lol jk. Im really bummed out today, cuz everybody is going somewhere and here I am stuck at home. Oh well...ill make the best of it.
OOOHHH..i also went to the new tops with is my 4th love.
And we saw my aunt and her babay there, but she payed no attention to us. mhmm..very close family.
I found a lost dog today. it was a cute american bulldog mix. AAAWW it was sooo cute. then the lady came over and was all pissed and like "do you want a dog?" so they are getting rid of her. how rude, poor dog.
I miss Dave and I wanna be with him soo much.
Atleast now I have time to write my songs. My mom as also decided that it is turn off the tv week. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
arg. this is so much fun bein here with no one to hang out with.
umm..so yeah
Im gonna go cook dinner. (italian sausage for any of those who care lol)

LOVE YOU ALL MUCH!!!

ps. Dave-you owe me lots lol

Psalm 38

A psalm of David. A petition.

1 O LORD , do not rebuke me in your anger
or discipline me in your wrath.
2 For your arrows have pierced me,
and your hand has come down upon me.
3 Because of your wrath there is no health in my body;
my bones have no soundness because of my sin.
4 My guilt has overwhelmed me
like a burden too heavy to bear.

Ok, so im not extremely discreet...

2004-08-01T20:34:12Z

~~I hate you,
You arrogant son of a bitch.
You had no business gettin with me
I hope you have a long death, and that you burn in hell.
You deserve it.

You took half my life and ruined it.
You didnt care what happened to me.
You said you cared, but you didnt.
You had desires you didnt want to control
I hope you die unhappy.

You took all I am
You took everything
I cant get past
what you said, did
What made you want to throw me out???

What did I ever do to deserve this pain
this excruciating feeling of pain
You dont deserve a song,poem,memory
hey, you win again
like always

Well,
I might not be able to live this out
But im done with you
dont come near me
stay out of my head
Cuz im done with you
i mean it
go to hell
you arrogant son of a bitch~~

woah

2004-07-31T21:34:44Z

I LOVE GOD SO MUCH!!!! yeah, hes pretty cool!!!
I am going to a movie with christine tonight, and that should be fun..girls night out!!! yeah!!!

KNow what?? Its really hard to be friends with someone who doesnt wanna be friends with you. .

John 1

The Word Became Flesh

1In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2He was with God in the beginning.
3Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. 4In him was life, and that life was the light of men. 5The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood[1] it.

Guess who I miss....? lol

2004-07-31T20:01:35Z

~~~~I cant relive my life,
i cant retrace my tracks,
i cant undo whats done,
there is no going back.
I chased a selfish dream,
did not survey the cost,
illusions disappeared,
and i found my innocence lost.

Some say its lesons learned,
some say its living life.
i say its choices made,
knowing wrong from right.
one night I fought to sleep;
in my slumber I turned and tossed.
I woke to a cloudy day,
and found my innocence lost.

An innocent child is a beautiful thing,
secure in her fathers arms,
sleeps while her mother sings,
Theres no way to know
all harm this world can bring.
i miss my innocence, Oh,
to be innocent.

My heavenly Father, the well of eternal love,
that overflows with grace,
I can completely trust.
My broken heart repaired, and all my sin forgot.
I can be pure again,
In spite of my innocence lost.
In His eyes Im a newborn child
Cause I accept his love.

And I have a newfound hope, though I found my innocence lost.

I can be pure again.

I found my innocence lost.~~~~

Ya'll...no matter what youve done, it doesnt matter, God can heal it, fix it, and make you whole again. He can give you a new life. A fresh start. I hope you all know this...all you have to do is ask Jesus to forgive you, he will, always. Then turn away from your sin.

Matthew 26
28This is my blood of the[1] covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins.

Acts 10
43All the prophets testify about him that everyone who believes in him receives forgiveness of sins through his name."

Acts 13

38"Therefore, my brothers, I want you to know that through Jesus the forgiveness of sins is proclaimed to you

Hebrews 9
22In fact, the law requires that nearly everything be cleansed with blood, and without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness. ~~ jesus paid that price, he shed all his blood, for you, and me. He loves you so much. How could you say no?~~

Psalm 40

A David psalm
1I waited and waited and waited for GOD. At last he looked; finally he listened.
2He lifted me out of the ditch,
pulled me from deep mud.
He stood me up on a solid rock
to make sure I wouldn't slip.
3He taught me how to sing the latest God--song,
a praise--song to our God.
More and more people are seeing this:
they enter the mystery,
abandoning themselves to GOD.

4Blessed are you who give yourselves over to GOD,
turn your backs on the world's "sure thing,"
ignore what the world worships;
5The world's a huge stockpile
of GOD-wonders and God--thoughts.
Nothing and no one
comes close to you!

What the world needs now..is love, sweet love..

2004-07-31T15:25:41Z

So yeah, today I am going to go to a picnic thing for the kids praise team at church.fun. and I dont get to see dave, but thats ok, cuz today is Timmys birthday. *happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Timmy, happy birthday to you!*Yeah, Christine, you really gotta come up with sumthin for us to do, so I wont be asking my mom 10 minutes before we leave lol.My back hurts cuz I slept reeeaally weird, I woke up and I was like"what the heck?!?"..now im very annoyed at myself.
Ok, im really not saying anything now, so im gonna leave..
bye
Love yall!

so here i am again

2004-07-31T02:41:54Z

Soooo..the rest of my day went like this:
Basically nuthin worth telling you, but me and my mom went to get ice cream cuz we were both craving it lol.The new tops near us is absolutley AWESOME!!!Yes, I love tops so much more than wegmans...lol.. JK!!!
im gonna talk to people now, cuz i dont even remember whats been up today.. so bye!
Love ya!! especially you, Dave

I can only imagine!!!

2004-07-31T00:10:21Z

So yeah, today was a very boring day...I got up(after a few hours of my mom yelling at me lol), then went to benders and got a folio for a song me and dave are playin at the wnycfl breakfast. wny-cfl.com -----check it out--my daddy runs it lol.
I also got a book called dateable..me and dave are reading it (he doesnt know that yet lol)..its very cool.then we took lunch tomy dad at work. theen, we went to tops/.....OMGOODNESS!!!! it just opened and it is amazing!!!we spent like 20 mintes in the self checkout lol. g2g...dad is yelling at me for typing too loud.

I HATE PETRA!!!

2004-07-30T02:05:19Z

I HATE PETRA NEMCOVA!! HOLY SOAP!!! wow..what a fat whore.

yes!

2004-07-29T20:28:10Z

I practiced(kinda hahaha!lol) with Dave today for a breakfast...we only got one song done..but thats ok, sorta.
I saw Kathy C. today, and that was fun b/c i havent seen her in foreber and she made me feel bad cuz I hadnt emailed her and she was all unhappy about it lol.
I denied Dave a kiss...hmmm...I wonder if hes bitter(dont worry, ill delete this later)
Well, it is 4:30, and ive ot a nuthin to do.
How fun.
More later
Bye guys!

omJ!!!!

2004-07-29T03:32:34Z

im soo not suicidal anymore, Dave kinda sort talked me outta it. God, I love that guy...
Yeah, Shark is an idiot, seriously...

***God, Thank you for putting Dave in my life, and thank you for bringing me out of this pit..again. I know I'm not being all I can for you because I'm getting caught up in this depression thing, which is a sin. Please forgive me.
Thank you for the beautiful people I am surrounded by,and please help me to deal with the people I dont like so much...help me to remember that you love them.
Forgive me for sinning against you in the whole aspect of not taking care of this body youve created correctly.
Put someone in Shark's life that will be able to show him your awesome love that cannot be mimicked.
WOW...I CANNOT believe what youve done for me...and just me. You are just mind blowing.
I love you Lord...I will try my best to be your humble servant.***

Guys, God is amazing...he really is. i know I sound like some out-of-it hillbilly preacha(lol!!!) but, If you give your all to God..it is the best feeling in the world. Surround yourself wiht people who you can trust, that will always be a helping hand in loving the Lord.Try to remember that wherever you go, people will see you diff, let your light shine wherever you go. That is the best thing, in my opinion, that you can do to be a good witness.

Highlight of my day:
Seeing Dave, and being witnessed to by the kids from Sonrays..yes, Im a dork...i know.

Night everyone!

Love you aaaaall!!!